Addicted to panic

How did I end up here after so long of not blogging? Crowded thoughts leads to making room for some more and leaving some here.

These past few days i've been emotionally imbalanced because of some issues:

Issue # 1 Overthinking

I guess this runs in the genes and the only way to escape from it is to alter my genetic code. This mind of mine I always do not understand. You see, I think about things that are not really necessary. I mean I know these things are unnecessary it's just that wait... scratch that.. I do not need to justify this because an excuse for OVERTHINKING is not what I need right now. I MUST NOT THINK TOO MUCH. You see I generate an universally impossible situation in my mind and effortlessly in a glimpse of an eye I am certain that it would happen even though I have an idea in the corner of my mind that it is impossible. This is not healthy, I know. It's like I am addicted to doing this. ADDICTED. That idea resulted from watching too much reality tv shows on YouTube. haha The TV show is called taboo and the topic is all about addiction. It is said that addiction is a state in which an individual is routinely doing things that is out of the ordinary that can burden your well-being and people who cares for you, not caring of the risks it may bring because it provides this short-lived high in your body and mind but eventually fades if you do not do this addiction. But in my case, overthinking does not give me a high but it gives me panic, depression, anger and unworthiness. Why do one overthink? Because one is scared of the future. GUILTY!

I should not write about what's been bothering me anymore because this is depressing. Owkay let's think of a funny story. hhmmm

So as you may have known which you probably dont, i've been to the breath-taking island of Palawan with the neighbors of my sister in California. Three are pure americans just so-you-know, and three mexican. I was terrified talking to them because I havent been speaking straight english recently and I think my english is a bit rusty. But what the hell I talked to them and it wasn't easy but rather it was funny. 

There is this one conversation, wait I wouldn't call it a conversation but more of a question and answer portion. A question and answer portion that took place in the car, traveling back home. So I was silently making a script in my mind of what I was going to say to them. To break the awkward silence, I formulated a question that was very profound that I think would impress this american. The question was : "So.... uh.. what is the first thing you're going to do when you get back to america?" (nailed it!) So in my mind I was proud of myself that I get to talk and break the ice. but then he said.... "What?" Apparently he did not hear the question that I thought about for minutes, FAIL. So I repeated the question but this time loudly and slowly: "what is the first thing you're going to do when you get back to america" (in a badly pronounced tagalog slang, but I dont care). I exhaled for relief and he answered "Wow, uhh I think I would go get my dog from my mom's house" and then I asked "what's the breed?" And that my friends is a stupid question. Well, for the fact that we already talked about his dog and I only asked that to keep the conversation running. So I already know what breed of dog he has. He still answered politely and in chorus with what I was thinking in my mind "Golden retriever". "What color?" And again I already know the color of his dog. It was so transparent that I was desperate in making a conversation with him. Another chorus with my mind and his mouth "Red". And then... the awkward silence takes place. About maybe that was 5 minutes. Or three minutes? Surprisingly, he asked me a question "So when does your break end?" and then I answered "November 4, im on my intern this coming semester" and then.... another awkward silence fought its way back into the air. It was defeaning and exhausting. My stomach was churning from discomfort of wanting to say something but no words are coming out. Then the view of our home approaching is a sight for sore eyes. Got out of the the car and ran back to my room, a familiar action to an anti-social. Everything was funny, that when I got back to my safe haven I smiled and was embarassed inside. But hey, at least I tried talking to them right? ;) 

I am so awkward around people, I know. But this does not stop me from trying to talk to people. You see, I know that I may FAIL because I am always not certain if my actions are right but I would willing to risk that to learn more about people. I may say the stupidest things, but I think that's better than saying nothing at all. Don't get me wrong most of the time in a group conversation, I am always silent. A group conversation is a bit complicated for me. But having the opportunity of a one-on-one conversation you can see me loving to grab the opportunity even though I may look awkward. I would try to talk to a person, my tongue may be tied. But if no conversation is occurring after I already tried making one. ABANDON SHIP! CEASE FIRE!

haha,

The girl who wrote this blog

Closure

To kill the 3 hr. break of summer class in school I watched The Big Bang Theory in the library. I was enjoying by myself in there laughing so hard that I forgot where I was. The episode was about Sheldon dealing  with his dilemma on closure. Sheldon always wants everything to be finished and he gets pretty crazy when he cant finish even a simple task. Amy helped him by doing bunch of activities like tick tac toe wherein they would play and when Sheldon was just about to win, Amy erased the game without Sheldon winning. Everything was hilarious! Just watch the episode and experience the enjoyment I just experienced (if we have the same humor, I dont want to disappoint you.) 

Anyways! That was my intro because I would like to tell you a little story about me having trouble with closure. I don't have the same problem with Sheldon but instead it's the other way around. If Sheldon can't stand not finishing something, I can stand not finishing anything. You see, I am comfortable not finishing what I have started and I know that, that is not good. I don't know why, I have this I don't care side wherein finishing is not important for me. But I know my limits I'm not like this all the time. Only on mild times like not finishing to fix the bed or not finishing my meal or not finishing my coffee or not finishing to read my book. Why am I telling you this? Because I worry that I may be too laid back at times that i'm forgetting to finish important stuff. All my books are opened, it's a drag for me to close it. Why? because I like to go back to things that I haven't finished and I don't want to end it or maybe I just don't want to finish it and that's the end of it. But still, I know how important it is to finish something and I would like to acquire Sheldon's skills. 

In my account, I dismissed the unfinished book and now it is unfinished forever. It is now immortal because I did not end it.  O__O So screw you closure! I'm just kidding, i'm just trying to hold on to something that is mortal and I make it last forever. Screw you mortality! Am I still making sense??haha Screw you sense! Owkay I gotta stop now. BYE! :)

(Please ignore the last paragraph.Give me a break because.. i'm just trying to cheer myself up here haha)

XOXO, Chameleon 

Hidden Universe

When you expose yourself to the public during commuting you become a stranger, not just to a fellow stranger but a stranger to yourself. People are sane in public, they are decent and normal. They stare at anything blankly and act as if they don't speak. This observation is a big deal for me because every person is a universe and hiding a universe is really a challenge! 

In public, when I am out commuting I always stick my headphones in my ear because without my music I feel like a zombie and I feel like I am one of the strangers who are acting normal. With my earphones on I feel like I am living in my own universe being happy and free.  Exposing my headphones is just like saying to the public that "hey i'm Camille, and I love music!" hahaha I know that justification is Lame but it's the only way to show a little bit of me out there. And plus when my music is on I smile every once in a while. I don't want to hide a universe because that will make you crazy, at least that's what I think. 

I don't know why I am so obsessed about observing people in public. I am too curious about others lives you know? That's why you don't see me sharing too much about my life because I am just so interested in knowing other people's stories. It makes me see life through their eyes. 

XOXO, Camcam 

a random blog about Tea

Tea is my best-friend. I spend time with it after I eat, while annoying my sisters, while I study, right now while i'm blogging. I love my tea! I do not know why but I feel that my insides are cleansed after drinking my tea. Tea is not that tasty, but I love my tea! Its flavor is blunt, not sweet nor flavorful but I love drinking it.

Thank you Tea!

XOXO, Camcam

The Drifter

How do I live my life? 

EFFORTLESS . .

Well not completely without effort, but the effort that i'm exerting is TOO EASY for me to do. Picture yourself in a situation wherein you love what you are doing, you let the wrong things pass you by and hindrances does not work when you are too busy brisk walking against them. that's my life. I do not know if an effort is necessary when what you are doing is becoming a leisure to you. If life doesn't give you what you want don't force yourself too much to that thing and just move on. I mean, it's simple. right?

But I am a walking contradiction. . . .

When I see that I am not exerting effort, I PANIC and say what if I this comes back to me three-fold when I feel I am not doing anything. What if nothing comes to me? What if I let too many wrong things pass me by and they will eventually haunt me forever?

I am funny right? I try to make everything have sense when I make no sense. I am just paranoid about being too happy or being too sad. Same old paranoia, I am afraid. Everyday, I try not to panic but at the end of the day I always do. I panic at tap tap revenge when I am on the zone, I panic when i'm answering an exam, I panic when i'm in the water, I panic when i'm commuting and I panic when I do the same thing everyday. 

Just call me Panic.

oohhh Eraser of life! please erase Panic off me..

xoxo, camcam 

Nonsense

Why is it that we become so easily comfortable with what is not right or what is not good in our life? The "what is not good" part in our life i'm talking about here are the things that we know we will regret doing in the end. It's just weird that we know or we predict that what we have been comfortably doing will lead to awful endings and yet we continue to set everything aside, and do whatever pleases us. Plus, we get attached to what will waste the time we have here on Planet Earth. It does not make sense!! Well, what's new right? Everything does not make sense. Only love does. (how did Cheesy get in here??)

And this is the annoying part. The things that everybody views as "what makes sense" is a challenge to live with. People hand you that list of what's right or what you think is right and then you find out that what you have been comfortably doing is not on the list is just merely, frustrating. Remember the action of cartoons when they slide their hand from top to the bottom of their faces very slowly looking very disappointed? Well, this is the perfect time to do that gesture. 

I'm just sick of not making sense because of my definition of comfortable.

You see that? I am sick and yet I still do it. FRUSTRATING!

 

It's just that being uncomfortable is REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE..

 

how?,

Chameleon

 

 

 

 

 

Immaturity and what people expect you to be

You may view me as a lost girl who goes through life walking like a crab but everybody, just so we're clear I am 20 yrs. old. 

So recently my sister have been comparing me to this 20 yr. old friend of hers who she calls "mature".  She is always making fun of how I am not my age compared to her friend.(I don't mind though because that's a compliment to me XD) So I rode in her choo choo train and  started saying "Oh, the matured one???" whenever she is telling me stories about her "matured" friend.haha

What is mature? googling.... 

Maturity fully-developed in body and mind.

I admit I am not fully-developed. A juvenile being still developing but stays in the development stage because I believe being fully-developed only exist physically but not mentally. I still have a lot to learn but don't everybody? People may act mature and all with their sophisticated suits and high heels plus their stiff postures but to me they are just people wearing UNCOMFORTABLE formal clothes because that's the requirement wardrobe of mature people. My clothes may not be mature and I may act immature but I am retaining the right amount of mature. I call it "filtering society's definition of maturity". 

If society's definition of maturity includes speaking with a low tone, wearing a suit and acting normal might as well let them make robots and then commit genocide. I trampled on that definition, cooked it, and fed it to my dogs, gathered my dogs crap and buried it underground and I let it act as my fertilizer at least in that way it is very much useful. Manipulating me into something I am not ei society?? Well, that will never happen! bwahaha! ha 

Some say being matured means knowing what to do next, having a plan, being independent and being responsible for whatever path you choose. Now that part of maturity, I would gladly hug and accept. I have seen adults that may look matured on the outside but immature on the inside. Immature in such a way that they are short-tempered, starts getting jealous, and the most immature of all... act matured. 

And ofcourse there are parts of immaturity that I like but there are parts that just disappoints me take this part of immaturity for example. 

Yesterday during my enrollment , the two girls beside me was talking about material stuff and gossip. The other girl was saying "I have perfumes that are shifted from the U.S. it's 1000 pesos" then her friend replied "give me one too" then she said "I am sorry but my Mom is using it also" and then gossip then material stuff again then gossip then material stuff. That is my definition of immaturity. When all you live for is sniffing perfumes and gossiping about the lives of other people. They still have yet to learn. I would like to shake them and open their eyes for there are so many important and much interesting things to talk about. It is like they are wasting the creative part of their brain and eventually it may not exist anymore for what you dont use eventually fades away. Like the legs and feet of whales for example. A long time ago they live on land and water but since most of the time they spend all their lives in water their legs and feet eventually  do not develop anymore because they do not use it, they evolved into a fish-like mammal. You see what I mean??? Soooo many interesting facts to talk about!!!hahaha 

The immature part that I retained is being silly, goofy, being implusive and wearing comfortable clothes (I dont get why this is immature?). Silliness is fun. It makes you endless. It triggers the creative part of you. If everything is serious in your life it's depressing. Being impulsive is an adventure. Being goofy is entertaining and wearing comfortable clothes is comfortable. 

Now this question arises.. Can creativity and maturity coexist? 

At this point I am curious if people actually wasted time writing about "How to be mature" googling... 

http://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Mature-Teenager

This is very important. Record yourself and a friend having a conversation for 10 minutes or so and then play it back to yourself. Do you hear that?

• How many times did you squeal?
• How many times did you use the word "like".
• Try talking slower and in a somewhat deeper voice. Try avoiding using words that you use in conversation with your friends. See if you can find words that mean the same but sound more mature.
• Try to keep your breathing slow and steady. Don't get too excited while talking, stay focused.

WHAT?!

like XOXO Chameleon

P.S. googling "how to be mature" is immature . . reading "how to be mature" is provoking immature people to stay immature. . why? Depending on google to solve your problems is immature... and if you read and follow how to be matured and ACT matured.. you are still immature..