These past few days i've been emotionally imbalanced because of some issues:
Issue # 1 Overthinking
I guess this runs in the genes and the only way to escape from it is to alter my genetic code. This mind of mine I always do not understand. You see, I think about things that are not really necessary. I mean I know these things are unnecessary it's just that wait... scratch that.. I do not need to justify this because an excuse for OVERTHINKING is not what I need right now. I MUST NOT THINK TOO MUCH. You see I generate an universally impossible situation in my mind and effortlessly in a glimpse of an eye I am certain that it would happen even though I have an idea in the corner of my mind that it is impossible. This is not healthy, I know. It's like I am addicted to doing this. ADDICTED. That idea resulted from watching too much reality tv shows on YouTube. haha The TV show is called taboo and the topic is all about addiction. It is said that addiction is a state in which an individual is routinely doing things that is out of the ordinary that can burden your well-being and people who cares for you, not caring of the risks it may bring because it provides this short-lived high in your body and mind but eventually fades if you do not do this addiction. But in my case, overthinking does not give me a high but it gives me panic, depression, anger and unworthiness. Why do one overthink? Because one is scared of the future. GUILTY!
I should not write about what's been bothering me anymore because this is depressing. Owkay let's think of a funny story. hhmmm
So as you may have known which you probably dont, i've been to the breath-taking island of Palawan with the neighbors of my sister in California. Three are pure americans just so-you-know, and three mexican. I was terrified talking to them because I havent been speaking straight english recently and I think my english is a bit rusty. But what the hell I talked to them and it wasn't easy but rather it was funny.
There is this one conversation, wait I wouldn't call it a conversation but more of a question and answer portion. A question and answer portion that took place in the car, traveling back home. So I was silently making a script in my mind of what I was going to say to them. To break the awkward silence, I formulated a question that was very profound that I think would impress this american. The question was : "So.... uh.. what is the first thing you're going to do when you get back to america?" (nailed it!) So in my mind I was proud of myself that I get to talk and break the ice. but then he said.... "What?" Apparently he did not hear the question that I thought about for minutes, FAIL. So I repeated the question but this time loudly and slowly: "what is the first thing you're going to do when you get back to america" (in a badly pronounced tagalog slang, but I dont care). I exhaled for relief and he answered "Wow, uhh I think I would go get my dog from my mom's house" and then I asked "what's the breed?" And that my friends is a stupid question. Well, for the fact that we already talked about his dog and I only asked that to keep the conversation running. So I already know what breed of dog he has. He still answered politely and in chorus with what I was thinking in my mind "Golden retriever". "What color?" And again I already know the color of his dog. It was so transparent that I was desperate in making a conversation with him. Another chorus with my mind and his mouth "Red". And then... the awkward silence takes place. About maybe that was 5 minutes. Or three minutes? Surprisingly, he asked me a question "So when does your break end?" and then I answered "November 4, im on my intern this coming semester" and then.... another awkward silence fought its way back into the air. It was defeaning and exhausting. My stomach was churning from discomfort of wanting to say something but no words are coming out. Then the view of our home approaching is a sight for sore eyes. Got out of the the car and ran back to my room, a familiar action to an anti-social. Everything was funny, that when I got back to my safe haven I smiled and was embarassed inside. But hey, at least I tried talking to them right? ;)
I am so awkward around people, I know. But this does not stop me from trying to talk to people. You see, I know that I may FAIL because I am always not certain if my actions are right but I would willing to risk that to learn more about people. I may say the stupidest things, but I think that's better than saying nothing at all. Don't get me wrong most of the time in a group conversation, I am always silent. A group conversation is a bit complicated for me. But having the opportunity of a one-on-one conversation you can see me loving to grab the opportunity even though I may look awkward. I would try to talk to a person, my tongue may be tied. But if no conversation is occurring after I already tried making one. ABANDON SHIP! CEASE FIRE!
haha,
The girl who wrote this blog
